Whilst reading Paul Davis excellent book ‘Eerie Silence: are we alone in the Universe?’ a strange thought crossed my mind.

Various groups (and a few governments) have planned how to cope with any revelation that we have galactic company. Global panic, psychological shock, religious fervour and shooting at the sky have all been suggested as likely human responses and therefore been planned for.  But all of the books, articles and official papers seem to have overlooked one obvious human reaction to a visit from little green men: deep toe curling embarrassment.

As NASA scientists ponder the message humanity should send to the stars, SETI groups plan for possible first contact, and governments consider contingencies, they’ve forgotten the most human of reactions to being caught out. Look around the planet today and the only sensible response to non human intelligent life coming to visit is a deep blush. It would be worse than your mother in law popping over when you’re nursing a hangover with empty pizza boxes under the sofa.

As a little girl I’d stare longingly up at the stars hoping someone was staring back down. Nowadays  my ‘first contact’ would likely be shiftiness and a desperately nonchalant attempt to draw their attention away from the Amazon, famine, war, biodiversity loss etc. Maybe the Olympics could distract them whilst we tidy up a bit.

Talk about an inferiority complex. They can transverse the monumental dark vastness to space to come visit and we can’t deal with a famine in Somalia? Long term thinking, super resource efficiency, protecting diversity – all key skills for deep space travel. NASA even fears climate change could tip them off that we’re ‘unfit guardians’ of the planet, triggering a ‘galactic environmental protection agency’ to descend with clipboards, shaking their antennae and clicking their blue tongues at us.

Perhaps ‘keeping up with the extra-terrestrial Joneses’ would be the kick humanity needs to clean up the planet. Can’t have the smug little green bastards turning their noses (or relevant appendage) up at us.

(Please please don’t be watching, it’s just too mortifying).